Out of Joint
by i-digress
Summary: Spike is watching the inevitable event after The Gift.


Out of Joint  
  
Spoilers - post The Gift but no spoilers as such.  
  
A/N - high angst alert for this puppy. Writing at 3 am is not conducive to happy thoughts, I'm afraid. All from Spike's POV. Rating is due to language (again, oops)  
  
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Daylight. Fucking daylight.  
  
I can see them, standing in that secluded corner. Hiding her away. Dropping her into the dark. But I can't get close.  
  
I want to be in the dark with her. This isn't how it was supposed to go! It's all bloody wrong!  
  
How can I still be standing when...when she's...  
  
I've been dead more than four times longer than she was alive. How twisted is that? I hadn't dreamt of sunlight in years. Hadn't missed it. It didn't fucking matter to me anymore. Until she became the sun. The sun, the moon and the bloody stars. That's what she was.  
  
And now? Now I can't even see the end. The end of her or the end of me. If I took just a couple of steps...  
  
That would be my end. Stepping out of the shadows and into the light that can't compare for a moment to her glory. Her magnificence. She taught me what light really was. And then she took it away.  
  
Bitch. Cold hearted, selfish bitch. Giving me a glimpse of something wonderful, something profound, then stealing it back. How could you do this to me?  
  
God, whatever, wherever you are, give her eternal light. Shine down on her for all time. Don't leave her in the darkness where only the soulless monsters like me can find her. Keep her close. Don't let her go. Let her find the peace she lost with her calling.  
  
My fault. My fault. My most grievous fault.  
  
Was I a Catholic? Did I know the words? Or did I hear them too many times from the dying? The Mea Culpa burned against my skin. And how I laughed! The bloody joy of it. The delight. Is this my atonement? To stand near enough to see but still not with her. Never with her. Never mine.  
  
So close. She let me back in. Me. How could I ever deserve that? How could I merit the.trust? The faith? I didn't deserve a sodding crumb yet she gave it to me. Hansel and Gretal leaving a trail to the wicked witch. The Big Bad. Not me. She could always beat me. I was... What was I?  
  
And the candy house, the gingerbread house, with it's magic. Got to know the right way in. Need an invitation. I got mine. And what the Hell did I do with it? Wasted, all wasted. Damn you. Damn me. Take me with you, Slayer of my heart. Don't leave me here where the sunlight burns, dusts, destroys. I am dust without you.  
  
Beat me. Break me. But don't leave me. You don't leave! You fight, till nothing's left standing.  
  
Where are you? Is there a place where the golden ones go? How do I get there? When will I see you again? There's got to be a way. How can I watch you leave if there isn't a way to follow?  
  
I will be Orpheus to your Eurydice. Wherever thou goest, luv, I will follow.  
  
Who gives a flying fuck about blasphemy? Come on, strike me down! Where's the thunder bolt, eh? I am a sinner and I will sin. I will swear, curse, howl to the bloody sky for this..this sacrilege. This heresy. She was my god. A prayer on the lips of a godless beast. An image of heaven to the damned. How can she cease to be? She was my hope of immortality, damn you! Damn you all. For your blindness. Your ignorance. Your failure.  
  
My failure. I am thrice damned. I will circle the fires and the torments of Hades. Each step upon this earth is my damnation. For what is earth when Heaven is gone?  
  
They stand there, mourning. Dropping the first sod of earth down on her. Hiding her away. She wasn't made for hiding. How can you leave her there? Don't you see? It's not the place for her. She shouldn't be left there. Don't leave her.  
  
Dust. She should be dust. Scattered to the winds, to the four corners of the earth. Drifting out to all those places she never had the chance, the time, to see. I would have taken you. Shown you the world. Shown you all that you fought to keep safe. All you had to do was say the word. It was yours for the taking.  
  
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  
  
Shall I come to you, luv? Bring you out of the ground and set you ablaze? Watch as fire consumes your light and sends you to the sky? Shall I disturb your rest?  
  
Place you on the pyre as dawn approaches then wait at your side. Be your fellow traveller. Go with you to distant lands.  
  
I want to go with you! Make me clean so I can be where you are. One sinner who repents is more welcome, isn't that it? I repent! I confess! I have the innocent blood of thousands on my hands and I regret it all. Just let me come too. Let me step out of the shade and join her. Just that.  
  
I reject all that I am, all that I was, if it brings me home. She is home. She is all. How can this be it? It's not fucking fair! You bloody cheated! Not supposed to be you. Wasn't that it? Not you, me. Supposed to be me. And now I can't leave. May you rot in Hell for your deceit.  
  
For I am in Hell because of you. No release, no conclusion. You bound me to this perpetual torment of your absence. May you suffer it as well.  
  
No! No. I'll take it all. Any pain, any suffering, if it gives you peace.  
  
Rest in peace.  
  
I will watch over you, in perpetuity. I will protect the girl, as promised. I will remain, in my punishment. I am yours. I am...  
  
Watching as they leave you in the ground. Waiting till the night falls and I can lay down beside you. Willing the pain of your absence to stop. Wishing I had touched your heat before you left. Wanting to say goodbye.  
  
Goodbye my Slayer, my Buffy, my love. 


End file.
